Diary of today and last 2 weeks

Hi there all well Jessica is in a really bad state at the moment I thought someone cheer up and we where close I do hope still works out soon she is really amazing. Its hard being in my shoes everyday this town. I do get used to the looks stares all the time. The things that really bother me this town is very conservative and I do get names a lot and last week on the way home I got spit on and called names. This week is been tough too I have been fighting a lot of people and it was great to find a sweet amazing person now she hates me too I understand that part I hope to please that person. I am always in a hard place crying like a girl no one cares. I am at a cross roads. I do need to figure out myself they tell me about the whole transitioning thing. I have 2 main choices and the 1 one is staying what I am a male but gender neutral  or becoming a fully lady. I have been reading a lot of stuff like today. Its really more up to the counselor or whatever makes finally decision of the person to move that way or not. I am actually in a very dark place right now. Tonight I have hit the bottom right now. I have been battling with suicide for a long time and now its up at top again. The way its going if my writing and play or myself work out. I am through with keep going and fighting I am just dead for real no games. I can't take much more pushing, bullying, spitting on me, other things its getting hard to keep going. I am not sure how long I will have to keep fighting I can't keep it up sometime and right now its very hard. Jessica