New Year what happen in 2013 a review

Well lots of things happen to me mostly the same. I do hope to be writing a lot more soon and be positing more up soon for you all. The biggest thing happen to me this year was in the summer I wrote a play over a whole weekend and turned out great. The other things lost friends and gain a lot of new close friends. I been going to counselling first time and she has been really good and help me a lot. The bad thing happen I even ended up in hospital again but this time was there almost a whole week. This year battle of my faith and being Catholic and being someone that is transsexual trying to co exist in my life. I have gain amazing great Catholic friends we been praying for each other through our struggles of mental illness. I been dealing with people better still not up for big social things yet. I hope to get my singing and dance back close to get back into the artist more for next year I hope. I met some great people over the year too. Not much else to say at the moment that I can think of. Hope to share more of my heart my writing and what is going on with me for next year

Each one of us on life Journey Road

• I am drifting away
• Just trying to find peace
• So much temptations everywhere
• All different obstacles will block our path
• Each one of us on our own life journey road
• Our life journey is not a short sprint but a long marathon
• With straight roads to very hilly up and downs
• Also twisty mountain roads  or like country nice slow curves
• Sometimes there are sprints on your journey but mostly a marathon
• There are roadblocks will be put up the will derail your journey
• Such examples like a landslide with rocks will block up your path if your on one of the mountain roads
• You need to figure what to do like turn back or try to lift the rocks or do little climbing the mountain instead of saying on the road
• We all have choices half to figure out for ourselves that make the marathon easier on ourselves
• Another example could be if your on a road that leads to a bank and need to pass a big river over a bridge
• When you get to the bridge to start to cross somehow storm comes along or something and than the bridge is swept away than you half to find another way to cross or go
• There could be a lot of people telling you what to do
• They think know best for you
• Sometimes that could advice is alight but you half to know best for yourself its your life
• Shouldn't be told how to live it but it happens
• A lot of times you think your alone on the journey but we are not we have lots on it with us
• We all have our heavenly father Jesus and our holy mother Mary
• Also thousands of Saints to keep us company
• The Saints are the ones how already finished the journey so we can look up to them
• We all them on our journey even if we don't think we have them
• Some of the saints are like Francis of Assisi, Teresa of Avila, and more
• They are angels that helps us lead our way on our life journey
• A bit of times your light will be gone when your in the dark to see which way to go
• The light of yours goes up your in full darkness and can't see that is where the Saints and those on our journey with us just all you do is ask and pray
• Than your light is back on and your back on your way
• That will be a big test for you when its dark and than your light goes out
• Even if your not a believer they are there for you too and waiting to help you
• That is how the journey works

Who do you say I am?

Who do you say I am?

It is very important words in the bible

Jesus asks us to answer that question ourselves

who is Jesus and who you are?

Who I am? We all to answer

Me I finally can answer that one of who I am

I am Jessica a true lady in all ways

Only one way you can tell is that my sex is not female I am born male

That takes away from who I am

Our Faith as Catholics that God created us in his image

To be just ale or female and there is no between

So being a male but should be a lady that is sin going to fell

That how my church sees it so that is a conflict

I am very much a person of faith a believer

That Jesus created us and we are born in sin and he died for us to save us

Also Jesus mother Mary is also our mother as well

Jesus welcomes us all of us came to him whatever you are

And his love endures for all generations and really loves you fully with open arms always

I do love being Catholic the sacraments in mass is very important and is the truth of our faith

The father, mother must have created me this way for a reason

I don't think the serpent had this happen to me

Also the rosary praying is also very important to me

The one thing about the church wants me to stop being me

The image of God only created male and female

Your soul could be different sex gender than you are

So it very judgemental against me

I do tank all there prayers

I half to answer this myself and pray

Is my soul just a different sex and is that true to my real sex

I really thought have answered all the questions

I guess still figuring things out

If you already changed outright your sex or might

To me that is not a problem if he did created you really a different sex that you are

I believe he could put us in the wrong sex

Just a reminder that the church will not like that God created you in a different gender sex that you are

You are never alone and God loves you

 

 



Mirror, Mirror

It is just a piece of glass but it reveals so much

Mirror, Mirror we all look  into you

Everyone sees and gets something different from looking into you

Mirror, Mirror why is that?

It shows the truth or the truth what you think

Mirror, Mirror

Some type of people looking into you see that they look totally different reality like those think they are ugly and over weight but they are not

Or like the people opposite to that

what do you see when you look into the Mirror?

 Mirror, Mirror who is the fairest of them all?

Most all of us sees something  that is totally different reflecting that what we really look like

Mirror Mirror on the wall why am I ugly?

Mirror Mirror why did you harm Snow White?

Sad that a lot of people get to have an eating disorder because looking into a Mirror

I believe people while looking into a Mirror kill themselves

Mirror, Mirror on the wall your so cruel

What I see looking into the Mirror at myself I see that I am not pretty and a totally different image looking back at me

Mirror, Mirror I see a lady looking back at me not a male

Do you really show the true self of me?

Mirror, Mirror on the wall fill in the blank yourself

 

 

 

 

Diary of today and last 2 weeks

Hi there all well Jessica is in a really bad state at the moment I thought someone cheer up and we where close I do hope still works out soon she is really amazing. Its hard being in my shoes everyday this town. I do get used to the looks stares all the time. The things that really bother me this town is very conservative and I do get names a lot and last week on the way home I got spit on and called names. This week is been tough too I have been fighting a lot of people and it was great to find a sweet amazing person now she hates me too I understand that part I hope to please that person. I am always in a hard place crying like a girl no one cares. I am at a cross roads. I do need to figure out myself they tell me about the whole transitioning thing. I have 2 main choices and the 1 one is staying what I am a male but gender neutral  or becoming a fully lady. I have been reading a lot of stuff like today. Its really more up to the counselor or whatever makes finally decision of the person to move that way or not. I am actually in a very dark place right now. Tonight I have hit the bottom right now. I have been battling with suicide for a long time and now its up at top again. The way its going if my writing and play or myself work out. I am through with keep going and fighting I am just dead for real no games. I can't take much more pushing, bullying, spitting on me, other things its getting hard to keep going. I am not sure how long I will have to keep fighting I can't keep it up sometime and right now its very hard. Jessica

This is a Letter I wrote for a special Friend. I hope cool to share it wth you

To my dearest friend

its hard to put into words you came into my life at the time when things I thought my relationship and life was falling apart you helped me  to be still along with my other half is still strong. I really hope you really meet her one day. A lot of times you remind me of her all the time. I am thankful for that like when she is here when we are apart. You are so like my wife that only people think of me as a lady. Every time my love calls me Jessica it fits to a tee. I am so thanking for her and you. I don't have many good people in my life. Our friendship is a blessing like kindred spirits or bosom friends like Emily of new moon with her lady best friend. We are so like that. Emily of new moon was written by the same author wrote Anne of Green Gables. It would be nice if we could stray friends like little girls. Sucks we are singled out a lot. This town is nice but for me its sucks too being very well known like a celeb and follow me everywhere so it will be very hard for me when if I start my transition to the real me.

Our friendship is like the song Wonderland from Natalia Kills or like the whole album. I kind of think me and my love is like this. I love you so much my friend xoxo

Introduction of the Play I wrote

The play it took me basically 3 weeks to fully finish it and I am happy about it now. The play is basically on my life kind of about a boy figures out that he is a lady. I written in a way that the actors should be able to live the roles in there way without strict lines and such. I am very detailed on each of the scenes. Just a little info before I post the play. I think it will turn out well if goes on stage. I really hope so.

Slavery

In today's world we think its abolished

It's still going on

Always there are people getting oppressed

Goes all the way to the beginning of civilization

Civilizations are but on the slaves

Slaves are like treated like animals, whipped, starved and things you can imagine

Just to build and feed the wealthy

It's there work force the poor and still today

The Roman Empire was built on slaves like all great civilization we know

They used slaves to help row there ships also entertainment for the privilege as gladiators to fight to the death to see which one is the strongest

They are all slaves

All people shouldn't be treated like animals its not right

Look at what happen to the black people put in changes and in prison and shipped of to a world they never knew about and work for rich family and be there slaves

It took a lot of fighting to free them and for them to have freedom, racism still goes on way better than it was and have equality with everyone else

The black people are way better off today than they where but still have problems

Also our Aboriginal people happen to them in the past but still going in today

A lot of them living in third world conditions in the wealthy  country in the world

It's very appalling to see and fuck the govt for not caring for the lost and weak in all places especially in there own country

We are like slaves to this society even if you don't think so

Even white people where slaves just like black people put in prison before shipped off over seas as well

Sane thing happened to them

There where people from Scotland

England came up and took them and shipped them to work as slaves in the Caribbean and other places

They where punished the same as black slaves

Still generations later those children family of those slaves is have a very hard life

My definition of any one oppressed by others is still slave

My people are being treated as slaves as well

The LGBT we are being suppressed and oppressed

That is why we are fighting also to be equals

In today's world you think we are all equal but we are long from that

Even we can be slaves in our own mind
Can you see and feel those kids
Parents had to bought and sold them for money
Than the kids ended up in really bad situation
They ended up as sex slaves old older guys how like kids
THey make the owner of the kid rich not the parents
Everyday the girl being rapped by men
Can you hear the girls crying for feemdom
They are screaming from being raped
We need to shave the childern as sex slaves
Need to return the childern back home and help the fmailies situation
So they don't half to sell childern anymore we need to slave these childern

 Why do we need still bought and sold people?
Those rich need the poor
And the poor need the rich to get out of poverity

 

 



Personal Diary 6:

Things been really up and down with me and things lately. Me and my love been so close and always great with my other half right now she is back home with her family is far from here. I think of her everyday and her love and she always give me so much strength. I do share some wicked news well I finally did it that is I finally finished the first play that I wrote and now is to connect with theatre companies and that and I really hope to get it on stage. The play for me is the most important and big thing I ever wrote because so hard to write and I did turn out great. The play I wrote is dedicated to a few the most important is to my partner and soul mate it wasn't for her I wouldn't keep writing my poetry and the play and in life because of her. Me and my love had a great conversation before she left to back home and she said that this play will really do good. I really hope so its amazing to have someone support. Things been up and down with my jobs well things been slow for quiet a while with my one work and my other one I am filling in so getting some extra hours so that is good. I need all the hours I can get. I work as a church custodian and work in a where house as well. I hope things will be better again with my one work and get my full hours that I used to work back again. I am really hoping that something will come up because I really need a new and different of living right now its very draining on me and hard to be myself. That is why I haven't started my full transitioning to the real me and going through the process of being the real girl I am. I am glad I know myself if it wasn't my other half I wouldn't even know me and been more low self-esteem and not been happy and lived. I feel so happy that I met my soul mate and always remember everything we did and conversations and things together. I keep a lot of it private I don't mind sharing a little but our conversations and our life we are very private couple. The most amazing thing is having someone tell you that they really love you and care for you and understand you completely and supports your passions of your heart. I hope my passions will pay off.
 My goal with my writing is to share my full heart with others and understand what is like to be someone is born in a different gender and how I see the world. My hope and dream is too much those who read my work is the most important thing to me and enjoy it.
I still been battling my health and some issues come up with my health and body like these days sometimes and that being dizzy and other things. Last week was it I think was little scared there for a week or so because things where rough and I thought might have ended up in hospital again. I am glad that didn't put me that I had to go hospital. I been hospitals off and on in my life lots of times for different things.
The last main thing I like to share that I didn't go to my sweet and great cousin wedding I actually stayed around town and worked on the play that week and weekend. So I did miss seeing my relatives. That time I just wouldn't be good company and seeing them especially that I am fully different now my Aunt the mom of my cousin daughter got marred she wrote me and send me nice messages. I do miss all of them and miss being like my second home and love the far Northern Ontario and being around the mountains and that. The thing is now I am not sure about going visiting them and feel strange and I have no idea when I will see them or visit. If I could drive or that I would go easily and spend a week with them and the area where I love the most in my heart feel strange about them and me. The worst is my relationship with my parents and that. They are very suppressing and don't and wouldn't support or understand me at all. That weekend was a blessing but also I guess a curse because my dad said that it was like cutting myself off kind of with family and I haven't. I do talk with them and try to stay connected with cousins and that by email and facebook. So I didn't see family or have a vacation for me finally being a long and being myself for that time I got to be dressed every day of that and I need to be alone and to work on my writing. I did write the play and now its finally fully finished if it wasn't that weekend or week my goal wouldn't have happened to write a play over a whole weekend and I did. The play came out so great plus I never drank a whole bottle of red wine while writing the play.
Also me and my love really love wine but I never drink a bottle before by myself. One of my fave things ever that me and my love usually share a glass of wine and drink from the same glass. Plus I am only comfortable with her really my love and also I only let her touch me. The most meaningful is that we both love each other and say "I love you" and mean it also that she thinks I am a lady and I love so much when she calls me Jessica to me that is the happiest thing and when she holds my hand with someone you love its amazing experience I hold that in my memory all that even if we are not close together or see each other. Sorry this is long but I  needed to share a lot and I hope alright that I talk a bit of my relationship because that is my world.
I hope to get back to writing more poetry soon. It would be nice to have opinions  from people of what kind of things I should write about. I would love to hear what you think?
I hope to have more poetry posted up again and hopefully get the play on stage

Rain

The rain is part of everyday life

Need rain to put the water back in the ground

Good for the plants and animals and that

Also the rain can be bad if it floods revers and lakes

Into people where they live ruins houses and lives

Most people complain of the rain and getting wet

I do sometimes as well

Rain in the spring and summer is so nice

Makes you feel cleansed and so nice

Also its best to cry in the rain your tears no one will notice

The rain is everyone in the world tears coming back down

To cleanse all of us and nature

So nature and us can start a new life

Sometimes it could be more than just tears like your heart broke

Like splitting up with the person that you thought you loved

Friends how mess with you is like that too

That is sometimes the only way you can see things better when its raining down

Staying dry in doors and reflecting on your life

When your in the rain you feel so free

 

 

 

 



My Peronal Diary 5

Hi everyone sorry been so long been putting up anything. I been so happy and together with my soul mate my love how changed my life for the better and finally I feel like fully lived. Also the main reason is that well I been working on a play right now its fully written up so working on that right now a lot. I do hope to get it on the stage and be great that is what I want my legacy to leave. Also these days my health been spinning back and not so good like my head always keeps spinning and dizzy and so many other things and not sure why. I really hope to be back working and doing my poetry again as well. The main thing now is fully finding the info and possibly start my transitioning to become maybe a full lady. My love advice she gave me do what feels right she always kind of says that she is right but not that simple I guess it is. I found the best counsellor in town that deals with LGBT and especially those questioning gender and that all the time. She is very expansive though so will see I half to fill out 2 forms first before I set up something. Also I kind of shocked a friend yesterday with asking them to be my legal attorney or something like that you know someone respect and will honour your wishes like on your health and life. I hope she will say yes to that. I don't trust many people. You have only one life live it the most you can. I think done that now and have been so happy with my love changed my life forever. That is whats going on in my life these days and I don't mind and hope helps others with my writing and life. I forgot to share an amazing thing happen to me last week she is a new friend and I was only one person there for her and helped her not even her main friends did. She hugged me 2 in a row what was nice and I never thought was that for someone she called me a Hero that meant the world to me and probably her. I do hope she is OK. That is lateset I hope you get something out of it

My Rant poetry: 2

Things be going crazy yo

Why does everything go nuts at same time?

Does that happen to people a lot or what yo?

It hard being myself everyday in first place

Being 2 in one is a lot

Last week things suck and things not the same since been sick

I wish could scream

So stressed everyone wants something

What about me?

I am never alone and time to figure out things

A wedding with tongs of people we have a huge family

A special time with my love

and work things all at same time

I don't want my love or anyone mad

But its all shit it the fan

Someone is going to mad or hurt I don't mean too

Right now am not up for weddings and tons of people

I really want to push my anxiety panic attacks rev ed up

I will probably have an attacks than

Also tomorrow having special medical test done and than specialty doctor after the test

Lots of fun going on

I least I see friends off and on

Hard to figure out in short time

I rather be alone weekend and not have all this going on

Alone is where I feel comfortable

Not really comfortable with a lot of people in first place

Yo I would love to do my arts things

Writing, Music, Dance

That kind of stuff

If I go the wedding and that never been alone

I need alone time and at least can spend some time with my partner

I love to get a job somewhere I can do far away and have peace

Love to run and be wild in nature and not urban life

I do have passion to help teens over come what I have and be there

Also being a wicked choir director

Also like to help be aboriginal people

Where I really feel like should be with

Yo take me far away from things

There should be a better place where I fit in



Memories

I think most important thing in life

Things come and go but memories you have for life

It is a crazy world out there so fast pace

That is why you need to live everyday like it is your last

One day it might be too late

We all have good and bad memories

Those bad ones want to forget even though always with you

Follow your passions

The good memories with friends and your special someone

Those are precious memories you need to hold on too

Like a hug or good conversations with friends make them last

For me means the world to me was hugs and holding hands with my love

and her voice like I remember everything she has said to me

I hold on to those things and not want to have them disappear because you never know

Your bad ones still with you hold on to those good things

Make memories every day good and bad with our choices we make

Even your dreams other places and people and worlds you visit in those are with you too

Comes with our full senses of touch, smell, taste and hear

Those also good and bad memories depends on events you went through in your life

They are all precious things



Lisa the Trucker

She is not your every day trucker

She drives on one of the dangerous roads in the world

She has one of the toughest jobs you can get

She loves what she does

There are ladies that drive a big rig but not there

We need truckers they our life line

If they stop the goods that some communities truckers are there life line

If that would happened some people might die

Thank a trucker doing a tough job

They help us with goods

So lets keep the convoy of trucks moving

She drives the ice road one of the dangerous roads and makes the job much harder

A big accomplishment to get the load where it goes and than come back home safe

She does it every day

Should pray each day you never know

There the weather changes in minutes

Give respect for those drivers with such a tough job

A lot of good people die driving trucks  



The Real Future

Where is the beauty gone?

Why is everything so dark and gray?

Seems like all the good things are gone

Why did we destroy ourselves?

All users of our earth resources fossil fuels

Terrorism now strong all everywhere not just in one place

The future is going to be hard

We all are going to fight each other

The climate temperature and storms are going to be out of control

Places will be all dry ed up and the other places will be under water

Once big cities will be barren and in ruin

Will be fighting for resources

One day be one person for themselves

Means no more structure all gone

Chaos takes over

Even maybe nuclear war breaks out

The earth will get its revenge on us

Maybe it is all for the best

There might be hope

You can already see the new future

In the future we might all be like this not violence and in certain parts but all over 

Tango

They call it the dance of love

Two hearts beating as one

The tango is a  very technical  dance of the steps
Can you hear the rhythm of the music that leads the dance
When it is danced well and the chemistry is right
The dance such a beautiful thing
The dance so passionate and very hot steamy sexy
Also the tango is very erotic
It was probably banned once for being too erotic and naughty
There are two types of the tango
The one kind is the international regular tango its little subdued to the second one
The other type of tango is the Argentine tango
The Argentine tango is more street and very hot
They don't call it the dance of love for nothing
Would be so amazing to be where in South America where the dance invented
To see how it is danced right and well and the full meaning of the dance
I know how each ballroom and Latin dances the steps and techniques for each dance
What if your a lesbian or a gay couple?
How the dance will be danced and who will take the lead and other follow?
It is fully up to you
I really love the tango but I don't have the partner to dance it with
 

 



My Peronal Diary 4

Well these days are sort of the same I guess. At least my hours at work are sort of getting back to normal hopefully. I am still trying to write when I can. I am still looking for better work and in different cities that kind of thing. Also I still get hate male for being a trans person. Things being difficult right now but I do about have a new vision of my work and get more serious in it. I still love making music or dance whatever in the arts scene. I am thinking of maybe becoming a blog writer for a site or team or something like that and freelance writing. I even about writing for a paper. I still haven't gone to counselling yet to diagnose me what I am and my transition. I know there are people out there now a group that wants to help its my own time line not theirs. People are saying that I am not confident about my self and my self esteem.
 My self esteem and confidence is fine. It is hard to find work these days. Also still always battle issues with my health I am like up and down all the time. I do would like to live as a full girl I do think of myself as one even though I am not dressed each day and living as one but I am. I am hoping to do song writing soon with my artist music friends if they have time to work with me that would be great. I am still trying to get serious people to conduct them into a new kind of unique choir never been done before. I Love doing new things and being creative creating and teaching how to sing is my fave also reading music. It would be nice if I could go into playing viola again and create a bit of that kind of music its just I don't have one at the moment. Also love to get back into dance I don't know why scared too for some reason.
I would love to get into DJ with Lp's that is something I love and I am in all the dance style music scenes like Drum and Bass, House, Hardcore and Trance and maybe more. I might be getting involved and giving back and helping those in the LGBT community like me this community group would like me to come to their meeting and start helping out I might its a nice opportunity for me. Also I am always and love to be involved with our First Nation Aboriginal people more and getting a chance to work and help the youth would be such a blessing. That is really what I would like to do.
That is basically what is going on right now with me

Goodbyes

It's a normal part of life

Saying hi and bye to people each day

Goodbyes are really hard when a person very close friend or someone you love

After saying goodbye really hurts for a while and lots of tears

I am glad I just said to a close friend goodbye that I trust that I said goodbye and not going to help out anymore to set up and go there

I was glad that I did it that way or else and everyone make a big deal

It was hard but I will keep in touch with them

Would be worse if everyone knew would be so hard

Why are goodbyes so hard?

It is like so much pain like your dying or like pain of getting shot

I did have tears when I left

Glad they didn't make a big deal because only one person knew

I am an emotional person when people just come and go out of my life

You will have new people in your life

Last days with someone before they go are so hard

It's like in University when done the year term friends leave for home than come back again

What if a person that you love or is close friend and they leave but never come back

I knew people never will say goodbye to you and that is sad

They are people with you always and never leave you they are Jesus and his mother Mary

She is our mother as well

It says in Psalm 118 that says "His love endures forever"

It is true

I am still crying over goodbyes

 



My Rant freestyle poetry

• Yo I am back and I ain't going nowhere
• This is what I do and this is fully who I am
• I am going to keep it real the true of myself
• I am not going to be scared off anymore
• I am going to be real
• You all FUCK yourselves
• First off and first off I am Jessica a trans-gender
• My love and other half she loves me for who I am and gave me the name Jessica
• I am sorry to offend a lot of people but this is who I am
• This is it you can like me or not I don't care
• I will keep writing until I have no words , freestyle rap when I am all dried up than I will stop
• I write because its my gift from the Creator
• Even I rap a MC freestyle just the the words flow out
• That is basally how I am write it just comes down on the paper just flows out
• I even in all the arts as well just not a painter don't have that gift
• Being really creative that is how we do it and I love who it flows in all different forms
• I love the arts it can express in so many ways of feelings
• We shouldn't be boxed into little box like your in one box and can't do other things
• It is so hard and tiring trying  to please everyone
• Go please yourself and be true to yourself is the best and people will love it
• Be true to yourself 100 percent and don't hide
• Don't hide your true self you half to live each day your best as you can
• I learned that from my love she is right
• You half to like your gift flow if no that will hinder and not be so good
• That is the full truth
• It is great that I can see and feel in both worlds
• A lot of people can't do that
• I can see and feel in as a female also as a male
• I have to embrace it or won't be good
• Being a trans person I realize that now it helps me in all the arts that I do
• For example my writing, when I conduct choirs, even my performing, even in my dancing where I first got into the arts and I still love
• In high school when I was fully into the arts I did some dance also writing during the same period both things
• I get into a full zone meditation kind of thing when I do my arts as an athlete that is how I go into doing that into my arts
• Here is an example during one event in my life I will share with you
• I was in a gym and there was a full crowed lots of people during my event
• I was a high jumper
• There was one person I knew there she I hear ed her keep saying the F word to me
• I remember it came just down to myself
• I went into my zone to drown out the full crowed watching and that person I know
• The event came down to myself I guess everyone in it fouled out
• I just kept jumping and jumping push myself to the limits and I didn't half to keep going
• I did for myself and still ending up first I just wanted to prove them all
• That is how I do the arts going into the zone and smash all the barriers down I hope
• This is the reason of my life
• We all struggle what makes you stand out is staying as who you are and don't fave a FUCK about other people

Dreams

We all have dreams

Dreams of where our lives want too and what we want for ourselves

Even dream of different places and sometimes different worlds

It is good to escape reality for a while 

Too explore different cultures and even different languages

Like imagine if your in China during the tine of the five dynasties and  ten kingdom period

The time when a Emperor founded what we known today as China

Others imagine what happens we die

I myself had a dream like that

I thought was in a church with stained glass windows

and had church pews inside the building

It was not a church which I thought it was

It was an interesting dream

I walked into the building started to walk to the front

A lady met me about half way point

An older lady said to me " We would love to have you join in with us"

The lady was Minnie Pearl

Than I said I would love too

Wow amazing to meet the people I loved

There was June Carter, Johnny Cash and all the country legends of the past

I got to perform with them like gospel and all the country music  was a great jam session

I even got to do my own set in front of everyone

The was was not a church but for us country people it is

The place was the originally Opry the old Ryman theatre

That was an amazing dream and experience

 



OUTCASTS

FUCK YOU ALL

Society is all messed up

The world is all broken

It's not OK to play games with people

Do the victims get a say not usually

Ils' all kept hush hush quiet

There are so many victim's out there

Being raped physically, emotional

Same with there money as well

Does is really feel good to hurt someone

Is that really pleasure you get out of it?

It is a whole lot better to hold someone how feels alone and hurting

Really it's OK to stop and hold the suffering

The outcasts suffering we don't have anyone

Do you think its worse off if they die alone?

That is the right thing to do hold them so they don't half to be alone

Hold them in your arms until they go

It will last with you forever with you

At least they are not alone when they die

Alone is really the worse thing to suffer alone

Or have to suffer in silence because if you reached out talked you will be killed

What about all the OUTCASTS of our society?

Like the gay and transgender people

All the religious people Normal people say

 "They should be ashamed of themselves and cut them off of society"

Even being beaten and killed because we our outcasts

That is why lots of SUICIDE

Those DEATHS on your hands

The suffering are SCREAMING in silence

FUCK YOU

Love those are OUTCASTS and SUFFERING

I love being an OUTCAST

 



My Personal Diary 3

HI all been doing a lot of things and dealing with so many issues. First I haven't started my change to be the lady I am yet. Still talking to people and figuring out what to do its not that simple as you think. I do see the world and feel as a lady I am but in a mans body is strange but not really to me. The way it is now and if doesn't change I will stay the same but be better if I was the person how I look myself in the mirror to what I see myself be good to be and live as the lady I am. I just got really bad and news on Friday love to share if you ask but rather keep to myself only if the readers would like to know fully going on with me I would if there was a push. I am a writer so love to say everything some things are private.
 The second thing like to share I am getting more singers for my choir is great still working on the rehearsal practice location at the moment we do have enough people now so can't wait to start I feel bad they are waiting to go. I made new friends that come part of my life that are so sweet and caring and there for me in a way even there are around the world from me like Australia, UK and maybe others. Sucks still don't have my full hours of work like I used to do they cut my hours and is slow it is really really hard to find work. I even trying to look and get to town where most of my family are they are not here far from here and very close and support me I feel there love. The worse part of being an out there Trans person is losing very close friends and people look at you strange everywhere you go because a lot in town no now am I strange. I don't think so I am same person no people look at you different. I made so many new other Trans friends so that is been good. Also figuring full new direction and places so that is why I haven't fully gone into counselling and that the full change.
The last probably thing to share at the moment hopefully have new work poetry up soon. I still write and this Sunday I finished a poem kind of inspired by my real life again but not really because it was sort of about me but actually what inspired it was about a normal lady an acquaintance of mine told me and I go through also that people taking advantage of her and standing her up for what making her feel bad. That is little sneak on my latest work.
If anyone out there have ideas of my poetry and that. If any suggestions out there what you will like to see what I write let me know? I love suggestions of what to write or topics for my poetry I love a challenge. I give this to the people public. I love a challenge instead of in my own world come on out there? I will create it in a week and post up usually I write my poetry on my free time on weekends and work on my choir at the same time. You know that is cool because I challenge a friend one day for an idea or something write a poem write in front of her and see how I do it. When I am writing doesn't take long comes natural to me and can write a page like that. I think took me about 5min I think to write a full poem write in front of her. I love creating that is how I do my music as well and my poetry and that I love free style full creative. I used to be a dancer also same thing.
My dream is too be a full published poet with books.
This is bascially going on

Song I worote Called Silent Awkwardness

Silent Awkwardness

Chorus:           

The silence between 2 peoples conversation is so awkward. The silence is so quiet that you can hear a needle drop. In the silence for me so much pain waiting for the person to say something.

Screaming 3times

Verse 1:          

I always have little awkward times socially because I never really fit in anywhere. The only place that I fit in was when I was a kid doing dance. That is where I could truly be myself and fit in. I didn’t have to worry because I am really different from the rest of the people.

Verse 2:

We should never hide beyond masks or behind another person. This is the new age that it is FINALLY OK TO BE YOU still a lot of people don’t understand this is the new world, especially when  I came out as a trans person really a lady in a man’s body.

Verse3:

It creates problems when you tell people you’re a Tran’s person that is when the awkward silences hit and even a lot of hatred comes out. I am who I am and going to change for you. YOU CAN ALL FUCK YOURSELF. The Trans people are not going to hide and be silent anymore. .Silence is the killer. We are all beautiful

Diary 2 Update on whats going on

Hi there well things could be a lot better first off wish close friends and that start using my ladies name Jessica but they still use my other name. I have been sick since Christmas eve and not feeling any better much these days. I went to dcotors on Friday and I am alright moslty but now have a medical test to do that will be on this coming Friday I had to book for an appoitment to do that. Friday is going to be fun not really sucks but I am used to all the tests. I finally told my doctor about me and stuff about being a lady and trans and stuff and I ask about things it didn't really go well. Also an update for the trans awanress event was going well and the main helper backed out so looks like I am going to drop it. Also work and things not so great either giong  on. I did got some nice done on the weekend was I wrote a song that came up with title a few days before I wrote it and went great turned out a sweet one I might share it up here another time. I been trying to figure out things and stuff so haven't really had time to put up more of my poems and songs hopefully again soon. I guess write now sahre my person diarys now. I also finally was strong enough to take people out of my life affecting me and make me down and everything. Finally stand fully up for myself. I don't really care if you like me or not just hope understand more from a trans perspective through my poetry and life diarys. Also back working on my choir stuff this week and already. I am a director and conductor of a choir working on its going to be great and everything. I do finally might have good news of it almost have our practice space so can't wait to start working with my singers and everything.
I like to share last thing because of things going on in my life and everythig I started smoking again I quit and haven't smoked for about few years about 3 or so maybe but back little bit just beacuse of things going on only thing I cope. I only do one a day and a bit none and between days just once in a while.
Also last thing before finish like to share that I am not started counselling right now until I am ready I felt like it was peer pressure.

My 1 Diary Post

Hi there going through so much right now dealing with work and my side project that I am working. The most thing is dealing with myself being out as a trans person and figuring out things. I am truly inside my male identity body. The holidays where lonely and sad being alone also on Christmas eve getting sick and still this day not being the same since back to was sort of before battling my health things I live with. The fun thing I am working right now and what I love to do is being a choir director and conductor still working on finding the right practice rehearsal for the choir. I had and up and down weeekend as well. I hanged out with someone like me a trans person we hanged out and talked for a long time. Now I am more confuesed about myself and a lot more thinking and figure out things out. On Sunday morning I went to a pub and I used to be a regular there  but what happend to me there I will not go back at all. No one served me at my table at all no service. I am happy looks like my dreams having a transawanress event might come true that will start a good discussion. I been working on it so long myself and glad finally people wanting to help out so half a comitee now and hopefully by summer or so will have the event. I will keep you informed what is going on with it and the rest of my crazy life.
Jessica

Raped

• "Take everything you want from me"  taken from a song from Hole
• The Earth  is rapped all time the time for its resources like for wood, minerals any other material we need.
• We take from the Earth but don't put anything back or better mange the resources and the Earth better
• The other 2 things of being raped and I had both done to me
• The one is verbal abuse is still pretty bad
• Especially when people put you down all the time and degrade you  
• This is pretty sad that other people do that to someone
• All the time people die because of suicide for being verbal rapped its wrong
• I still get that a lot for who I am and what I do
• I'm a male that really should be fully a lady its hard being not truly for how I am
• The last one of being rapped is a very serious and really a bad thing someone could do that to you
• That is being physically and sexual assaulted that when you didn't want to they forced you hurt you to have there way with you
• I remembered going through that like yesterday when I was working with a lady as an prostitute
• One of our clients fucking me in front of her watching was fine but than I wanted it to stop and than went out of line
• The worse thing was that she kept him going on fucking and fucking me so long when I didn't want too
• It took me a very long to get over that and still hard for me to this day
• After that it felt like my soul died that day and never really get back to the same before that happened to me
• I did get over it with someone and now she is my partner in my life
• Thanks to her for everything and supports me